Love ≠ Sex ≠ Romance
A deep dive into understanding asexuality and aromanticism
By Alison Stecker, Online Editorial Assistant
Asexuality and aromanticism are “a-spec” identities that fall under the asexual spectrum. Although there are dozens of identities within this spectrum, many individuals within this community feel misunderstood. To further promote awareness and education, asexuals and aromantics invented the Split Attraction Model (SAM), separating sexual and romantic attraction into two categories. For every romantic attraction, there is a sexual counterpart (Pasquier, 2018).
Asexual people may identify with any romantic orientation, and aromantic people may identify with any sexual orientation (Pasquier, 2018). Romantic orientation is “an individual’s pattern of romantic attraction based on a person’s gender(s) regardless of one’s sexual orientation,” (Asexuality, Attraction, and Romantic Orientation). Someone could be heterosexual and panromantic, which means they can be sexually attracted to someone of the opposite gender but romantically attracted to anyone, regardless of gender.
Asexuals/aromantics are individuals who experience little or no sexual/romantic attraction toward another person. However, an asexual, or “ace,” may still desire an emotional relationship like an aromantic (The Trevor Project, 2021). Many aromantic people associate themselves with “queerplatonic partnerships,” in which the emotional connection goes beyond the traditional friendship to create a non-romantic relationship (The Trevor Project, 2012). Claire, a 22-year-old aromantic from Seattle, told Women’s Health in an interview that “there's a pervasive idea that people need romance for happiness. As an aromantic person, I have my friends, I have my found family, I have hobbies I enjoy and I do work that I find very fulfilling. I just don't find fulfillment and joy from romance,” (Naftulin, 2021).
There are several harmful misconceptions about asexuality that are detrimental and damaging to the a-spec community. “Many people tend to assume that asexual people are just innocent, or don’t know what they’re missing out on….We aren’t broken, we aren’t naive, and we aren’t just waiting for the right person,” Addie Orr, an asexual from the University of Alabama explains (Harte, 2020).
Asexual people are not abstinent from sex because they are in a bad relationship, and asexuality should not be equated with celibacy (The Trevor Project, 2012). Asexuality is not sexual repression, aversion, dysfunction or loss of libido. It is not fear of intimacy of sex or the inability to find a partner, and these beliefs can be very invalidating to a-spec experiences. Asexual people could choose to have sex or not to have sex. They can masturbate, choose to fall in love, get married or have children.
Greysexuals/Greyromantics are individuals who fall in-between asexual/sexual and aromantic/romantic on the spectrum. They do not fluctuate between these orientations like aceflux/aroflux individuals do (Pasquier, 2018). Greysexual/greyromantic experiences vary greatly and include–but are not limited to–people who experience attraction sometimes, people who experience attraction but have a low sex drive and people who desire sexual/romantic relationships under specific circumstances (Pasquier, 2018).
Sophie, a greysexual and greyromantic, reflects on her experience coming out to her family; "I have a memory of being in the car with my mom and sister and telling them I thought I was asexual. My mom responded with, ‘You're just a late bloomer,’ and my sister said, ‘You just haven't met the right guy yet.’... We're so conditioned by the media and our culture to think in terms of that relationship structure that people who identify outside of it grapple with self-doubt,” (Pardy, 2016).
Demisexuals/demiromantics experience sexual attraction after they form an emotional connection with someone else, which is called secondary attraction (Pasquier, 2018). The same can apply to demiromantics, except sexual attraction is replaced by a romantic one.
Author Alex Kazemi came out as a demisexual after he realized he couldn’t have sex with someone without a romantic or emotional connection. “I was persecuted by my peers for being prudent, and puritan and pressured into hook-up culture, and I felt like something was defective, and broken about me for not being able to experience sexual attraction like everyone else,” he explained (Street, 2020). Despite the amount of frustration people projected onto Kazemi, he received a lot of support from people who felt validated by him coming out (Street, 2020).
Reciprosexuals/Recipromantics will not experience sexual or romantic attraction until they know the other person feels the same way. Alternatively, lithosexual/lithromantic individuals are those whose attraction fades if those feelings are reciprocated (Pasquier, 2018).
Society’s obsession with sex implicitly teaches us that not feeling sexual attraction toward another person is offensive and obscene. Asexuals may feel excluded from the LGBTQIA+ community due to this damaging fixation. "When it comes down to labels, since sex isn't a huge component of my identity, I don't feel like I completely fit in with the queer community,” Lina, a 30-year-old greysexual, said (Pardy, 2016). For decades, queer individuals fought hard to be able to have sex with whomever they want, so the idea of not exercising that liberty angers many. Other LGBTQIA+ people also argue that aces have straight-passing privilege and should not be invited into their safe spaces (Scarlett, 2020).
Asexuals can also face discrimination within the ace community. “I've also seen some attitudes within the ace community that you're not ace if you have sex–an all-or-nothing mindset–or that ace people are more virtuous, since they don't experience something as base or carnal as sexual desire,” Lina explained (Pardy, 2016).
Love is not sex, and sex is not romance. These are difficult concepts for society to grasp, but there are several ways for you to show your support for the a-spec community. Reading up on asexuality and aromanticism is a great place to start. Some resources include the Asexual Visibility and Educaiton Network (AVEN), The Trevor Project and the Asexual Awareness Week website. A good ally acknowledges their privilege and does what they can to learn about asexuality and aromanticism. Don’t ask insensitive or demeaning questions that undermine one's identity. Strong allyship is empathy, compassion and the willingness to step out of your comfort zone.
Sources
Understanding Asexuality. (2021, August 20). The Trevor Project.
Asexuality 101. (2021, April). The Trevor Project.
Pasquier, M. (2018, October 27). explore the spectrum: guide to finding your ace community. GLAAD.
Harte, M. (2020, October 29). 7 young people discuss their race identities and what people get wrong about sexuality. GLAAD.
Street, M. (2020, March 21). Author Alex Kazemi Explains Why He Came Out as Demisexual. Out.
Pardy, N. (2016, June 9). This Is What It Feels To Lack Sexual Attraction To Other People. Refinery29.
Scarlett, A. (2020, October 27). Asexuality is the Queerest Thing. Stonewall.
Naftulin, J. (2021, July 1). Aromantic people explain what it’s like to have relationships that aren’t based on traditional romance. Insider.
Asexuality, Attraction, and Romantic Orientation - LGBTQ Center, n.d.